Sliding Backwards

One particular evening, when I was having a struggle with something in class, my sensei told me that I carry around a "big beating stick," that I used to beat myself up whenever I made mistakes. Then he promptly told me to put it away. He was speaking metaphorically of course, but his words stuck with me. I was one of those lucky people who found a true mentor in my sensei, not just a martial artist eager to make a quick buck by promoting students entirely too quickly. (At our dojo, we refer to these schools as belt factories.) I took his words to heart and did my best to "put away my beating stick."

I feel like that stick has come back out and is bigger than ever since E was born. I am always battling the feeling that I am doing everything wrong. It isn't limited to motherhood. I regularly question whether I'm a good mother, a good wife, a good housekeeper, a good dog owner, and sometimes even a good person. The last is not because I think I'm evil or mean or cruel; it's because I think I'm lazy. See, I seem to have lost pretty much every hobby I ever had, and I feel like I rarely have the opportunity to learn anything new.

I need some new hobbies. I realize that. I also need to get my house organized to that I can keep it clean. It is small, and no matter how much I clean, the clutter always makes it feel dirty to me. Organize organize organize. That is my theme for the year, as far as the house goes. I also need to start making opportunities to learn new things. I want to be a woman that my children can be proud of, and I can't be that if I'm never happy with myself. I think one of the hardest things is going to be letting go of this conflict between the person that I was and the person that I am. I don't know why I find it so difficult to accept the fact that I don't have to like all of the same things or have all of the same hobbies. I think that this - I hate to call it unwillingness, but maybe that is what it is - to let go of the more outdated parts of myself is what is holding me back now.

I need to move forward. I need to be happy, for my sake, for my husband's sake, and for E's sake. I should qualify that, I think. I am not unhappy with my life. I am unhappy with myself for forgetting that I need to be fulfilled as a woman before I can be a good wife and mother. So my quest for now is to seek out opportunities for myself to learn, as well as opportunities for E to learn. My question is, where do I start? And how do I get that dang beating stick to disappear again?

Friday Fun

I almost forgot that today was Friday, and that I wanted to at least post these weekly "fun posts." I completely believe that free play is important for children, but as I think I mentioned last Friday, I also want to add in some structured play. Since I currently plan on doing preschool at home, I've been working on a list of skills I want to help him develop before he starts Kindergarten. Since he's only 18 months, I'm not at all concerned about a school structure right now. I just want to do activities here and there that will help him learn!

The first thing I want to mention is that we took a little family trip to the aquarium today. It was so much fun! E loves fish, so it was a perfect outing for him.

^ This is my favorite picture from the trip. If only that darned fish hadn't left the picture. I hope to do more fun outings as it warms up. I am definitely getting cabin fever this winter, and I'm sure that E is too.

I saw this activity on Pinterest. E isn't really into sorting things yet, but I thought I'd give it a try. He was more interested in stealing the objects and running off with them than placing them on the matching paper, but he did sort of get the idea and placed a few items down. I think this is great for both color recognition and sorting, so I'm going to keep up with it in the hopes that he eventually gets the hang of it.

This next fun thing we discovered was a complete accident. Plastic cup + lid + straw = several minutes of fun. He sat for quite some time just taking the straw out and putting it back in, and then he started removing the lid and putting it back on as well. Accidental or not, this activity turned out to be a keeper, since it kept him busy for several minutes.

As you can see, he wasn't so thrilled with my picture-taking, and kept giving me the stink-eye. "Leave me alone mom!"

I don't have any pictures of my next activity, but I have to say it was fantastic. Why? Because it kept him busy for nearly 45 minutes of church. Yes, that's right. I said 45 minutes. At church. Sitting still. All I did was punch some holes in a piece of card stock and give him that along with some pipe cleaners. He was fascinated, and I was thrilled because I was actually able to sit through Sacrament Meeting without having to wrestle a toddler or scramble in my bag for the next toy or activity.