Sliding Backwards

One particular evening, when I was having a struggle with something in class, my sensei told me that I carry around a "big beating stick," that I used to beat myself up whenever I made mistakes. Then he promptly told me to put it away. He was speaking metaphorically of course, but his words stuck with me. I was one of those lucky people who found a true mentor in my sensei, not just a martial artist eager to make a quick buck by promoting students entirely too quickly. (At our dojo, we refer to these schools as belt factories.) I took his words to heart and did my best to "put away my beating stick."

I feel like that stick has come back out and is bigger than ever since E was born. I am always battling the feeling that I am doing everything wrong. It isn't limited to motherhood. I regularly question whether I'm a good mother, a good wife, a good housekeeper, a good dog owner, and sometimes even a good person. The last is not because I think I'm evil or mean or cruel; it's because I think I'm lazy. See, I seem to have lost pretty much every hobby I ever had, and I feel like I rarely have the opportunity to learn anything new.

I need some new hobbies. I realize that. I also need to get my house organized to that I can keep it clean. It is small, and no matter how much I clean, the clutter always makes it feel dirty to me. Organize organize organize. That is my theme for the year, as far as the house goes. I also need to start making opportunities to learn new things. I want to be a woman that my children can be proud of, and I can't be that if I'm never happy with myself. I think one of the hardest things is going to be letting go of this conflict between the person that I was and the person that I am. I don't know why I find it so difficult to accept the fact that I don't have to like all of the same things or have all of the same hobbies. I think that this - I hate to call it unwillingness, but maybe that is what it is - to let go of the more outdated parts of myself is what is holding me back now.

I need to move forward. I need to be happy, for my sake, for my husband's sake, and for E's sake. I should qualify that, I think. I am not unhappy with my life. I am unhappy with myself for forgetting that I need to be fulfilled as a woman before I can be a good wife and mother. So my quest for now is to seek out opportunities for myself to learn, as well as opportunities for E to learn. My question is, where do I start? And how do I get that dang beating stick to disappear again?