No Expectations

It's amazing to me how many times something that I learned in karate has resurfaced to help me in my life now, years after getting my black belt. Remember my last post about the beating stick? The imaginary one that I use to beat myself up with when I'm feeling like a failure? Interestingly enough, the answer to the problem came from my sensei as well, quite some time ago. Expectations. Where am I going with this? Well, let me back up a little.

As I said, it was my sensei who told me I carried around a big beating stick. His point was that I dwelt on my mistakes too much. He once told me to go home and research the definitions of "mistake" and "lesson." Oh see, here we go. That is another lesson learned entirely, not the one I originally intended to discuss. Anywho.... after I got my black belt, a student joined our school who was constantly comparing her skills to mine. By the time she was an orange belt, she was frustrated with herself and ready to give up. "I don't look like you when I do these things," she said to me.

"Of course you don't look like me. You're an orange belt. I'm a black belt. You are not at the same level." I told her she needed to focus on where she was at in her level, not on what I looked like. My sensei chimed in with the "expectations talk." He told her he had no expectations of any of his students. To be expectant - to look forward to something - was a good thing. But to have expectations (such as our student expecting to look like me, though I had far more experience at the time) was to set yourself up for failure.

In a way, he was very right. I have so many expectations of myself as a mother. I don't want to yell at my son. I want to be creative and crafty and have all sorts of fun but educational activities for him to do. I want to spend all of my time with him so that he will know without a doubt that he is loved. The truth is, I'm human. I yell sometimes. There are days, more often than not, that I don't feel like cleaning up after a sensory activity or craft. Some times I just need space and time to myself, even when he's not sleeping, and I let him play on his own while I practice my pictures or catch up on Facebook.

And I feel downright terrible about all of it. Should I? Should I feel terrible? I'm human, right? I make mistakes - from which I need to learn lessons. See? I need to look up those definitions again. Instead of dwelling on my mistakes I need to learn the lesson so that I can improve and move on. No expectations. I do the best I can each day and try harder the day after that.

Mistake: An error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgement caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, or insufficient knowledge. (From Dictionary.com)

Lesson: A useful piece of practical wisdom acquired by experience or study; something from which a person learns; an instructive example. (From Dictionary.com)

No expectations. Lessons. Not mistakes. Perhaps I need to hang those definitions on my wall as a reminder...