Feeling Down

I found this beautiful quote on Pinterest, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Unfortunately, though I try my best to be a good mother, there are times when I feel like absolute crap about the job that I'm doing. Today (and even yesterday) is absolutely one of those days.

I can get frustrated pretty quickly these days and sometimes I yell (not really a normal part of my life, but definitely more common now that I don't get a lot of sleep). Now, I realize that most parents yell at their children from time to time. I am afraid of becoming one of "those" moms - you know, the ones that seem to yell or snap at their children constantly?

Seriously, I spent more than five minutes trying to open a jam jar yesterday, and to tell the honest truth, by the time I was done I wanted to throw that stupid jar across the room. Sure it'd break, but at least then I'd have access to the jam, right? Instead I growled/yelled in frustration (yes, I realize that jam isn't that important) and "dropped" (more like spiked) the cloth I was using to help onto the counter.

At that point I looked over and saw E watching me from his high chair, a look of interest on his face. And then my heart sunk. What kind of example am I setting for my son, to get so frustrated over a stupid jar of jam? Then I watched him today, his nearly one-year-old self having a complete meltdown because a toy wasn't behaving exactly as he wanted it too. And then another one because he couldn't reach one toy unless he let go of the other he was holding on to. And then another because I pulled him off of the bookshelf. And yet another for I-don't-know-what reason.

I realize that infants and toddlers (E is currently somewhere in between the two states) have limited ways to express themselves and that tantrums are a fairly normal occurrence. But isn't it my job to be teaching him to express his feelings in a healthier way? And shouldn't I be setting a better example right from the get-go? Take away some of my good mommy points.

So my not-so-New-Years (middle of the year?) resolution is to start managing my own frustration better, so that I can be a better example for my child. In the meantime, I'm trying to remind myself that E is a happy (usually very happy - bad day today I guess), growing child. And he's learning new things every day. That must mean that I'm doing something right. I'm not a perfect-parent - we've all heard it said that there is no such thing - but I'd sure like to get as close to it as I can. I just keep doing the best I can and hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes. And I hope that E will be patient with me too, because when it comes to life I have just as much to learn as he does.